by Cheryl Fields
I was speaking to a young woman the other day about her son’s father. It reminded me of how differently we speak—men and women. She was striking chords and she had no idea the tune he was hearing in his mind.
Let me show you what I mean.
Her: “We sent texts back and forth. He basically said he doesn’t want to have anything to do with my son, his son.”
Me: “Why? What did he say?”
Her: “He was talking about he doesn’t want to have to share his son with some other man, and he comes around and this man is calling his self, ‘Daddy.’
She totally missed what he was telling her. Don’t think right or wrong here, just think, What was he really saying?
Women like competition. How many times have you heard a girl say, “I don’t want nobody nobody else wants?” We relish the opportunity to prove we are better.
Not so much with the man. He wants to show he is better. He wants to win you, don’t get me wrong. But here’s where we women get men wrong.
(Insert knight in shining armor in your mind here, please…)
No man wants what another man left behind. No man wants to be living in another man’s shadow. They may settle for it, but they’ll think less of themselves.
Here’s what I mean. I explained to her that he wants to ride in on a white horse and be all the things his father was—or he wanted his father to be—in his son’s eyes. He’s dealing with all sorts of issues from, “Is the baby mine?” (never mind that the boy looks just like him, spit him out), “Are you sleeping with someone else?” (never mind that he isn’t even around, and he doesn’t have to answer about who he’s with, if she even cared), and “I don’t know how to be a father, never been one to a boy before.” She has to keep this in mind.
Bottom line, ladies, and here’s what I wanted to talk about. When you strike the jealous chord in a man, be careful that you play that tune lightly. On one side of that string is a man who wants to win you, and will be proud of the prize he’s won. On the other side is a violence you didn’t expect, the violence a man feels rising within when his mother is disrespected, or his wife or child is threatened. It’s a good thing, but not when it rages out of control.
Ladies who are raising sons of men you are not with: Don’t make that man jealous of another man thinking it will make him want you or your child more. He’ll hate you and the child if he sees you replacing him in that child’s mind with another man. Never try to replace a baby’s father in that child’s mind if you have any desire to see them develop a healthy relationship.
Cheryl S. Fields